EGO

What is EGO?

When we have thoughts about our self that we agree with we construct a self-image.  The kinds of thoughts that contribute to the ego structure are:

“I’m not good at math.”
“I am smart.”
“My freckles make me ugly.”
“Nobody likes me.”
“I am better than you.”
“That was stupid of me.”

The ego hides behind the “I” and “me” in those declarative thoughts and statements about our identity (Van Wamerdam, 2013) .

As I was reading through the article, I couldn't agree more with the author. But, what makes me reading all this out of a sudden? Especially at 3.15 a.m. like this.

So, here is my story for the night...

I slept early and forgot to take dinner, so, that makes me unable to sleep well. And so, I tend to be awake in the middle of the night because I'm hungry or thirsty. When I got out of the room, I saw him falling asleep on the chair (like lazyboy) in his study room. After I drink a glass of water and talked to Diwa (pet), I went to him, as usual to wake him up to sleep properly on the bed, but here was the conversation that took place:

me: "Still doing the same thing?" Because he was trying to fix the internet as though it has so many problems...but all you need to do was just fill up some kinds of forms and be done with it within few hours. But he took like 2 nights for it. And slept there.

him: "Did I bother you?" with raised voice.

me: "No, but it's not good to fall asleep here again. You might get a backache later."  I was sleepy, so I talked softly and perhaps sleepily to him.

him: "Get rid of the mosquitoes first, and can you go away from here,"

Ouch. His response just hurts me. I was being concern of his well-being, but it seems like I was bothering him too much. Yes, I think I did, but out of concern. He could've used more decent words or appropriate tones. Instead, I got scolded.

My intention was good. But maybe he's just tired that he let out such response. And as I was going to go to bed again with a mosquito spray on my hand, I was a bit upset. I don't know why, but maybe because of hormon imbalance associated with pregnancy (Yes, I'm in 30 weeks of pregnancy). So, this caused me to overthink about it. See? Just because of a short conversation I had with him, I googled about EGO. It's a good read though. Not just that, I read a few websites about INSECURITY and NARCISSISTS too.

But it lasted as long as I'm typing.. I feel sleepy, but hungry, and lazy to cook or even eat something. So, let's just wait till it's breakfast time. Hmmmm, but I wouldn't be able to sleep well with empty stomach [cry]. LOL

Okay, I better try to sleep now.. Goodnight.

Just B by British India

Last week, I thought of going out with my friend. But I just have no mood for shopping for new clothes as my size keep changing! So, I googled for clothes for pregnant woman. Nothing suits my preferred style.

Frustrated, I decided to have hi-tea at boat Noodle in Publika. As soon as I reached there, I went for a walk around the ground floor. At first I saw this 'Just B' boutique, but it doesn't tempt me to check it out. It kinda looks like ugly British India. Sorry, just saying.

So, I went away and went to a few other boutiques that I'm more familiar of. And looking at the clothes at the boutiques really made me feel somewhat upset :( I can't fit into all those dresses no more. I had bought a few nice clothes from them before but now I just saw styles that doesn't fit me anymore. Feeling disappointed, I went for a walk again.

Then, I don't know what makes me wanna walk into that Just B boutique. After I googled for the review, I just thought why not just take a look. It won't harm me. :) (they said it's British India lil sis).

So, there I go. My first reaction when I entered the boutiques was normal coz the clothes on the front was something that are not my favourite. More like boho I guess. Like hippie. Like boho. Like something that you would wear in India and Africa. It's really boring to me. Then, I walked to the back. WOW! They have really nice dresses here. So, I checked them all.

Next thing I realised, I just bought a few dresses from there! I like most of them. But only if they could fit my 29 weeks belly, I would've bought more than 5! More than that I don't think I can afford. Hey, it's quite expensive yeah. But IMO, it's okay. The material and quality are excellent! I felt good when I tried it out.

Seriously, there are some items that you should try. The smallest size is 1. Before this I wouldn't fit that coz I'm too petite, but now since I'm pregnant, I can wear them all! The only thing I should make sure is that it is all big enough for my belly. And comfortable.

Oh! I haven't talk about the heartburn that hits me right after a meal. It's soooooo uncomfortable and painful. That's why I wanted to find clothes that are loose and comfortable, yet at the same time it's still chic. Just because I'm pregnant, I don't want to be out of style. Even at home I put on nice clothes.

So here are a few dresses I tried.

This one is green in colour. It looks nice at the top but would've been better if it's flare the bottom part. I just don't like the looks it has on me (the bottom part) that makes it look like a round table cloth

But I like this one better. Maybe because of the different design, plus there are pockets on each side! Hmmmm, I didn't buy this one though. I guess there are better design that's worth it.

Okay, this is the one that got my heart at first! I thought I wanted this one. It was really nice. I was thinking of buying it, but something was holding me back. So, I tried another few.

Yes! This is the one! One look at it and I knew I would love this one! Indeed it is. The material is 100% polyester, but I felt super comfy in it! This is just the one that I'm gonna wear to my friend's wedding reception in Bangkok later.

Oh, well, I just love this one, but my size wasn't available, and I was trying 1 size bigger. Even though it looks okay, as I said earlier, I wanted to look chic. And by chic, I mean, tight, sexy but comfortable. This one is comfortable but it makes me look like a pumpkin. The salesgirl said it's okay I still look sexy, but truth is, I don't feel sexy like before.. (cry for a while).

And when you see this, definitely I've bought this one lol. Isn't it nice? I just love this one though. The material is super comfortable even during hot & humid weather like now. I even wore it to bed. Usually it's a bit chilly at night {after rain}, but just wearing this, I don't need my blanket anymore haha

And yes, I bought this one as well as it's super duper comfortable.! 100% cotton mah...And excuse me, I'm not as slim and short as that. 

Well, I'm short if I don't wear heels. So far, the dresses I've bought are just nice. Not too short or too long like any other English, US & European brands. And what I liked about those dresses that I've tried was that it's flare at the bottom. Maybe because its target is to be worn at someplace which has a hot climate, so, the design needs to be flowy to get good air circulation (so that your sweat gets dry faster). Even though the dresses are long, but it does feel super comfy! I know because I wear it at home all day, which I have always worn shorts with tanks or sleeveless tops. The dresses was amazing! I just love the way they make me feel.

Okay lah, that's all for now. I'm gonna go to bed. I watched a movie with my husband just now in his study room, on that big TV screen that he always used to play games.

UNHAPPY BIG GIRL

He was a happy man.
They were a happy family.
But, what happened till he gets cold on and off?
Was it me?
Or was it him?

Hello guys. It's been a while since I last write anything. I couldn't find the link to my old blog, thus, I can't post it there. I noticed that in this blog last I blogged was on 2014, and about craps. lol.

So, just an update. In short, my life has been upside down.

I'm still unable to get a job. A steady job. All because I don't even know what I wanted to do. All this time I've been wondering what I was up to. My ambition keep changing when I was in high school. So does boyfriends. lol What remains the same is family bond. But I don't know whether it is stronger or not because now I have an issue that makes me uncomfortable to contact with my family, especially my dad. And that makes me really upset.

Anyway, as nobody knows, I've got no friends. Friends that I thought would be my best friend couldn't even be there when I need them. It happened quite a lot of times and all I got was excuses. I guess it's just maturity. It didn't happen to them. So, they don't know. But I also made up excuses to soothe my own feelings so that I would never be influenced by the negativity. But deep inside, I'm still the lonely girl. I might showed a tough act and nobody would know how I felt. My friends see me as someone cool, but, only I know how hard it was to hide all these feelings.
"Let them see me as someone stupid,"
"Let me be the strong girl in the class,"
"I can do this alone,"
All these are my thoughts at that time. What was I thinking?

All these acts now has made me more worse than before. I remain single. My social life is actually very bad. No friendship was established since 3 years ago. All because that stupid people. Actually it was because of me. I let them ruin me. I don't love myself. I love others more than I love myself. In return, what did I get?

There are things unexplainable and still remain unspoken. The purpose of this post was to let out a bit of my feelings; anger, frustration, disappoinment, confusion, loneliness and more. My current state now is 'I would rather jump from this floor or cut my arteries till I bleed out'.
But once again I told myself "Why do I have to suffer because of others? Why is it me that have to hurt myself when they don't care?" Just the question 'WHY'..

I wasn't like this before. I don't give care about all these stupid things. Well, I don't remember who said that experience is the best teacher, but, yeah it's true. Everything that I faced makes me stronger. If not, I wouldn't still be here to write this. lol

Let's say that I've got good and bad experiences like any other people. But is it the same? I believed it's not the same, and everyone faces different challenges and how they took it also different. And who am I to judge, right?

Okay, back to the first few sentences I wrote. i'm sure based on my previous post, you might be able to guess that 'man' refers to whom. There is only a post about him and I didn't update any others.

The purpose of this post is that I just want to talk (or write) about my feelings right now.. I can still handle it. When I'm at my weakest point I'll let it all out. Like ALL out, even the sensitive issue as well. It might be somewhere else, only I know.

And please, anyone, answer my questions below. I'm not begging, but asking for answers. I'm tired seeking out answers when in return all I got was heartaches and disappointment. Were that the true answers?

Why is it that because of others, other people has to be get hurt?
What does responsibility covers in adult life?
How do people, men and women appreciate each other? In terms of dating and marriage.
When are you most likely to take responsibility?

That's all for now. See you again, hopefully.

As i was scrolling through facebook, i found a post shared by one of my friend which has caught my interest.

Cheah (2014) believed that society and well intentioned people can screw a person up. That the expectations and demands of others can actually stunt your growth and inhibit your talent. Just because everyone does it. How apt the proverb "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions". It's just a paragraph out of what was written on his wall. I just couldn't agree more with this fellow.

After all these years studying things that i have no interest on, i realised and understood what he meant. Yes, people like teachers and parents do have good intention for their children and students, but to some extent, is it right to enroll the children to what THEY want the children TO BE? And expectations from the society has pushed the teachers and parents hard. It might sounds good to some, but, each and every individual has different personality and traits. So their potential. Who's studying now? Who is going to work in the future? Is it you or the young gens? Let the children decide for themselves.

And when i say 'children', i meant those who're taking SPM. UPSR students, please don't feel like you're big enough to decide. But you do have the right to choose. You might not be able to choose wisely, but you can discuss it with your parents. If they insist you to follow them, then, just go with the flow. You're still too young to know what's ahead. And it's not like the end of the world, yet.

Meanwhile, for the future, teachers could suggest, but they never really know their students. Not all of them, especially in a short while. I am saying this because from my previous experience, even my class teacher during high school years changed every year. I'm still in the same class. Only a few subject teachers remained teaching for Form 4 and 5. But even they could not remember my name. Even during practicum, i could barely remember the students' name. Only the cheeky ones and those who stood out academically. Quite a shame but that's because i have 76 students' name that i had to remember in 3 months. On top of that, i had to know their background and remember who are weak and strong academically so that i can make a suitable lesson plan for them. But in 3 months? I could never really know them. My point here is, teachers could suggest a few things which are good for their students to enroll in the future, either from primary to secondary or from lower secondary to high secondary. But parents should never believe more than 70% on that. This is because the one who lived together with the children is the parent, not the teacher. So, that's why i said teacher could only suggest. But decision is not made by the teacher.

For the parents, they might be able to know their children's true potential, but, because of the expectations from the society, sometimes they tend to make the wrong decision. What is actually the best? The best depends on one own self. If you want to make it the best, you need to have an interest on it. Because with interest, you have passion in it. With passion, you work hard. When you work hard, the chance for success is big. Well, it depends on your luck as well. But as long as the passion is there, one should never and will not stop.